Working with children within the Foster Care System is not for the faint of heart. If you are reading this post, then you are already very familiar with this statement.
Children within the Foster Care System (FCS) are not there because they want to be. They are there due to no fault of their own in most cases. They are hurting emotionally, they feel abandoned, not wanted, not loved, and truly do not know how to act. It’s taking someone from their normal environment (be it good or be it bad – it’s their normal) and picking them up and putting them in this foreign land. How would you feel if this happened to you? Now picture yourself as a child and in their shoes. It is not a pretty picture. This picture is full of emotions, turmoil and sometimes physical illness due to the stress and all of the upheaval.
How do you work through all of this and try to get some type of a new normal for them and your household?
It is my belief that it starts with the heart. When you think about these children and their family life, the love that they thought they knew has let them down. A lot of times, these children do not know how to love or what love really is and what it is supposed to look at. The love that they have and/or had is no longer with them or it is severely damaged. They loved their mom & dad (their family) and they are no longer living with them.
Getting through the shell that is now covering their hearts is not going to be an easy task. It is going to take a lot of patience, some good consequences, consistency and a lot of praise, that’s a good job, I’m proud of you, hugs and lots of prayers. If you don’t have some of these tools in your parenting tool box, then you may not be in the best place to help these kids.
Each child has their own specific set of challenges. Each case is different and each home life has its own personality. Everyone’s definition of a normal home life is different. In evaluating their home life and your home life you will need to decide what is the best way to mesh the two to help the kids to begin to transition into (hopefully) their temporary new normal.
You need to realize that it will typically get worse before it gets better. A lot of times the kids think if they are bad you will send them back and they’ll get to go back home. They truly do not have a full understanding of what is happening in their lives. They try to act like they do, but they really do not know how they are supposed to act.
They have a different home, different siblings sometimes and totally new rules without any type of defense or any type of help in their eyes. They feel helpless and hopeless. Just as you or I would if we were in their shoes.
No matter what the issues they faced at home, whether it was abuse, neglect, homelessness, drugs, etc., they will ALWAYS still want to go home. We worked with a 6 year old boy at one time and his mother poured boiling water on him and he still ALWAYS wanted to go home to his mom. It’s sad, but it is the reality because they want their moms & dads. No matter what.
I’m not going to kid you and tell you it’s easy to love kids with challenges because it is not. I remember being in the bathroom one evening and my daughter called and she wanted to know what I was doing. I explained I was hiding & crying because I needed a break from the challenging little guy that was living with me and I loved him dearly.
Taking a break, asking for respite and/or asking for help when you need it is NOT a sign of weakness or poor parenting. It is a much needed when working with children within the foster care system. It truly takes a village to help raise these kids. Sometimes the kids need a break too. It is better to take the much needed break to clear your minds, take a deep breath and regroup then it is to continue to live under the stress and frustration.
I pray a lot and I ask myself – what would God do…. He would always love first. Pray and ask God for the strength and the wisdom that you need to be a light in this child’s life which to them their life may seem like it’s full of darkness. Be their light!!