If you are raising kids today, no matter the age, you are very familiar with sibling rivalry and all of the bickering & fighting that goes on between siblings. I remember my younger brother and I fighting like cats and dogs. He was approximately 2 years younger than I was, he was the baby of the family. But, we fought! Unfortunately, that’s what kids do.

The age old question is how to you stop the rivalry, work through it, or learn to manage it so you do not go crazy yourself?

I’ve been hearing more and more about sibling rivalry from multiple parents. Since I am currently a grandparent, my parenting recommendations are from my personal experiences, what I used in working with children of various ages and a number of resources I have read and/or researched. The challenge is to manage the rivalry with love and not lose your sanity.

COPING SKILLS

As a parent you need to learn some coping skills so you are better equipped to handle your kids behavior. One of the first things that you need to evaluate is what bothers you the most so you can learn to pick your battles. Everyone has a pet peeve or something that bothers them the most. This is the one thing that you need to focus on so you do not fly off of the handle just because it bothers you. Sometimes our pet peeves make us take something that may be so small and make it so large because it bothers us. Our pet peeves can sometimes cloud our objectivity.

You need to learn to tune out some of the noise. You know how your kids tune you out and you can tell them over and over again to do the same thing, it’s because they have tuned you out. Tuning out can work both ways. I’ve learned to tune out and it works well. I learned from the masters, my kids and my grand-kids….lol (just kidding)

In order to change a behavior there needs to be an acknowledgment that the behavior exists and the frequency that it happens. Most kids do not realize how much they fight or pick at each other. They just do it because that is what kids do and it is a natural child like behavior.

To start bringing the behavior to your child’s attention, you need to do something that will stop the behavior and make them take a mental note that says “hey, I’m really doing this behavior”. There are several ways that you can try to achieve this. (besides yelling…lol) You may need to try several of them in order to determine what will work best for your children.

One of the things that you can try is to raise your index finger. Remember this from school, church groups, scouting, etc.? Raising your index finger was a standard symbol for be quiet. When the adult raises their index finger all of the kids are to become quiet. Once everyone is quiet and has their fingers raised, then you can speak and explain why you raised your indexed finger and bring it to their attention. Everything just stops until everyone is quiet. One variation you can use is the last one to raise their finger gets an extra job to do, or goes to bed 10 minutes early, or has to practice their writing for 15 minutes, etc.

Kids will always be kids. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my brother and I were between 12-13 before we stopped the sibling rivalry and fighting. It’s after we grew up a little and began to start having friends of our own and individual outside activities started that the separation between us as siblings began to occur. The fighting turns into picking once and in awhile, poking fun at each other which never really goes away. It just happens less frequently.

We spend time teaching out children coping skills; as adults we need to practice our own coping skills. I was talking to one of my grand daughters this afternoon who has a tendency to fight and argue with her brother. While we were talking I explained that she needed to learn to ignore him. I told her every time she reacts to something he says – HE WINS. He has gotten a reaction from you. Then she asked, you mean I should look at it as a game? I told her yes. Because if you do not react or respond – YOU WIN!!! She’s been taught to ignore him, she’s been taught to count, she has been taught to use a secret word. But, so far nothing has stuck. She is the older of the two siblings and she needs to take control. The younger sibling as well needs to learn to stop aggravating her. It is a unrelenting circle. But, as adults, do we practice what we preach? How do you react when a crazy driver pulls out in front of you? Do you count to 10? Do you ignore them? Do you use a secret word? Of course not, you lose your patience and start yelling at the driver from inside of your car. Does that sound familiar? It does to me. 🙂

The best advice I can give you is to pray! Seek God to give you the peace, the strength and the wisdom to make it through each phase of parenting. You will get through it. Every age of childhood brings you a different set of challenges. I am here to tell you that God will see you through it all. May the peace of God be with you today!