How to make your marriage work is one of the 64,000 dollar questions. And most people would tell you that I am the wrong person to ask. However, I have tried to make marriage work and what I can help you with is not to be like me.

I heard a Pastor on the radio the other day say that one of his parishioners bought him a sign that said “The most challenging years of marriage, start after the wedding”. I started laughing as I was driving because I thought this was funny but, true.

We are all products of our environment. I was brought up with parents that were married 60+ years. Knowing my parents, and seeing what they went through, I knew they were not happy. I had made up my mind as I was growing up that I was not going to live with someone for 60+ years and not be happy. My mom was married because she accepted my dad’s proposal of marriage because she was afraid no one else would ask her. That is what she shared with me. This was hard for me to hear and I was sad for her, because I felt she never really had the opportunity to experience real love. My dad would often tell me that my mom never loved him as much as he loved her. Deep down inside I knew he was right. But, my mom never really knew real love as it is described in marriage. She did know real love as it pertains to her kids and her relationship with Jesus Christ. Don’t get me wrong when I talk about my parents. I loved them both very much and to me they were the best parents that I could have had. That doesn’t mean that they were perfect parents, but that means that they did the best they could with what they had to work with and for the era in which they grew up in and the era that we grew up in.

I think since we are talking about marriage that we need to define marriage for what it is. According to the Bible, marriage is a holy covenant before God. There is typically a public ceremony in front of your family and friends making the commitment to love one another until death do you part. The two shall become one is also a popular reference within the marriage ceremony and it is stated in the Bible as well.

No one gets married to get divorced. So how do you make it work?

To start with I think you need to realize that God’s plan for marriage has a lot of validity to it. We want marriage to last until death do us part. We want that special person to love and be with for the rest of our lives. We want someone to love us NO MATTER what happens and no matter what we experience as a couple and/or as an individual during the marriage. So, how do you accomplish this? After a few divorces, I can tell you that the only way to make it work and work successfully is to add God into your life, your marriage and your family. Sometimes, I’ve wondered if my mom had it right. She followed the Bible because it says that we are to be content in every situation of our lives. It was her faith in God and following his will that kept my mom in her marriage till death do you part. God doesn’t ever say it is going to be easy. But, it will be worth it.

Marriage takes two people. Both parties have to want the marriage to work and they need to be willing to do whatever it takes to make it work and to get through all of the curve balls that life will throw at you. They say the honeymoon period lasts the first year and then reality sets in. I’m here to tell you that reality can set in a lot sooner than one year.

So what happens when the honeymoon period is over and reality is here? The trash is not taken out, the grass is not cut, the dinner is not on the table at 5:00 pm, the laundry is not done, the lunches are not packed, the bills are not getting paid, and you are no longer snuggling on the couch to watch a movie and spending the time together that you once so enjoyed….. What happens at your house? Typically, there are cross words, you end up not talking, you shut each other out, you are tired, you go to bed not speaking, you feel alone and you start questioning if you made the right decision in getting married.

Then you add kids into the mix, because you think it will be different and it will bring you closer together. This could not be further from the truth.

At the first sign of something going awry you need to start communicating with each other. This is easier said then done. Women like to talk and men like to shrug it off or think it is not a major issue. A major issue to women is not usually a major issue to men and a major issue to men is not typically a major issue to women. There needs to be an understanding that whatever is important to the husband becomes important to the wife. Whatever is important to the wife becomes important to the husband. If whatever it is affects one, it affects the other. Trust me, if you ignore it, IT WILL NOT GO AWAY!

Do you remember when you were dating and you could talk about anything and everything? You could talk on the phone for hours. What changed? You need to continue communicating. Just because you got married does not mean that you stop talking!!

If there is an issue, there has to be a solution. There has to be a compromise. There has to be an answer. This is where working together has to come into play. Both parties need to be willing to work together and make necessary adjustments to make your marriage work. You are no longer single and cannot do what you want. You are part of a marriage that has two people involved and there needs to be a meeting of the minds to move forward successfully. You are never going to agree on things 100% of the time. You will learn to agree to disagree. That does not mean the other person is wrong. It means that you have differing opinions and that is OK. Just do not let this fester and start driving a wedge between you and your spouse.

When you were dating you would move heaven and earth to do whatever your boyfriend/fiance wanted. You knew what they liked, what made them happy, and how to woo them. Why did this stop after you got married? What’s changed? These things should not stop. Yes, we get busy, yes, we begin to take things for granted and there is the reality of marriage.

Marriage takes work. Love is supposed to be unconditional. Not circumstantial. We are supposed to love each other unconditionally, just like Christ loves us. He loves us no matter what. For that I am forever grateful.

When coming together to talk about something that is bothering you, you need to bring a couple of suggestions with you that may help resolve the problem. If you both take some time to think about the issue, pray about it, and then come together to work it out, you will be taking the first real steps in coming to an agreed resolution.

Most MAJOR problems in a marriage start because the little issues were never resolved and they all began to pile up into a huge mountain that seemed to be too big to resolve and recover from.

Don’t let this happen to you. Address the smallest of things and work together. You will make great strides and hopefully, take the steps to move forward as your marriage continues to grow and evolve into the happily ever after you both have committed to and always wanted.

Stay tuned for the next post on making your marriage work… Have an issue you would like to discuss, add a comment or send me a contact form/email and I’ll write about it in my next post and keep you and your information anonymous.